You Know, There Are Some Excellent Red Wines Coming Out Of Argentina vs. I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You

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Captain's Hat Really Completes Street Lunatic's Ensemble

CHICAGO—A tattered U.S. Navy Captain's hat taken from a Salvation Army Dumpster adds the perfect finishing touch to street lunatic Corner Carl's outfit, fashion critics raved Monday. "The sailor's hat playfully juxtaposes his filthy Chicago Bears sweatshirt and backwards pajama bottoms," People style correspondent Steven Cojocaru said. "And when he screams at fire hydrants, it's now like he's scolding his imagined Navy underlings." GQ fashion writer Rob Vance said the nautical-themed hat makes Corner Carl resemble "a psychotic, profanity-spewing Alan Hale Jr."

Affable Anti-Semite Thinks The Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media

PLANO, TX—Henry McCullers, an affable Plano-area anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people Monday for doing "a bang-up job" running the media. "This has been such a great year for movies, and the new crop of fall TV shows looks to be one of the best in years," McCullers said. "And the cable news channels are doing a terrific job, too. Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable."

Snoop Dogg Goes Clean

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You Know, There Are Some Excellent Red Wines Coming Out Of Argentina vs. I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You

You Know, There Are Some Excellent Red Wines Coming Out Of Argentina

So, what do you think of the wine? To be honest, I thought it was a little meek. Passable, but meek. Did you happen to catch what kind it was? Obviously, it's a cabernet, but I can't quite put my finger on the vineyard. Wherever it's from, it's certainly not the best I've had.

If our hosts wanted something nice, they might have done better with something from Argentina. A lot of people don't know this, but there are some excellent red wines coming out of Argentina right now. Most people don't think of Argentina as wine country, but you'd be amazed. There's more to that country than the pampas and gauchos.

If you ask me, Argentine wines are highly undervalued. The Mendoza region is on par with the Simi Valley of California. For whatever reason, the Malbec grape just does really well there. It's got a really fruity bouquet, but don't hold that against it. The '99 Trapiche Iscay Merlot-Malbec offsets that fruitiness nicely. If you ever have the chance to buy a case, do not pass it up. I read in Wine Spectator that it's going to be the next hot vintage and will be quite hard to come by soon.

Hold still—I think you have something on your sweater. There. Got it.

This is a great time for wine drinkers. I mean, we have so many options and choices available. And with the world economy in the toilet, there's no shortage of great wines at great prices. It would be criminal not to take advantage of it.

If you're interested in trying some Argentine wines, you could come over for a private tasting. I'd be happy to let you sample my stock. After all, my wine cellar's gotten so full, I could really use some help clearing a little room! Anyway, here's my card. Call me any time. I'm there all week, except when I'm on the boat.

I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You

Is that right? Are there some excellent wines coming out of Argentina these days? Please, tell me more about Argentine wine. Tell me everything you know. I'm begging you.

God, what a colossal prick.

A lot of people here might enjoy this conversation, but I'm not one of them. Who gives a shit where you get your wine? The way you're guzzling it, I'd be surprised if you can even taste it. And I'm really impressed by your references to gauchos and the pampas. What a worldly, cultured man you must be to know those two words. Should we have sex here or in one of the upstairs bedrooms?

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

If there's one thing more irritating than wine guys, it's wine guys with personal-space issues. I can hear you fine: Quit acting like the music's so loud that you have no choice but to lean in close to my ear.

Do you ever shut up? I wish I lived in your world, where I could spew a nonstop stream of dull facts and think people actually care. If you love the Mendoza region so much, why don't you move there? No, I'm not going to buy a case of anything, I'm just looking for a graceful way to get away from you. Where do you think you're putting your hand? Oh my God. He actually just did the invisible-lint thing. I don't think I've had a guy try that one on me since college.

This would be a great time to kick someone in the testicles. I wish I had the assertiveness to say something, but I haven't even had a chance to open my mouth. I've just smiled politely and nodded. Won't someone please get this guy away from me? Won't someone please hold a loud conversation about golf or foreign cars that this guy will overhear and want to join? Oh, how I long to hear this man say to me, "Excuse me, but I need to set someone straight about the merits of the new Big Bertha XP-200 titanium driver."

Thanks so much for your card. I'll be sure to use it if I ever need a piece of scrap paper.

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