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You The Man vs. No, You The Man

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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You The Man vs. No, You The Man

You The Man

You the man, know what I'm sayin'? You the man! You it, baby. Ain't nobody else. Nobody.

Yo, how you do it, man? Man, you operate. It's like, shit, you crazy smooth. You all that, and then some. Ain't no doubt.

You the man all the time, 24-7! You the man when you walk it, and you the man when you talk it. You the man when you play it, and you the man when you say it.

Yo, Lorenzo, listen up and listen real good. You know what? I'll tell you what: You the man. That's right—you it.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Let me break it down for you just one time. You got that fine-ass lady, don't you? That shorty is one fine-ass ride. And those clothes you wear. Damn! You be like Mr. Armani Gucci Versace or somethin' in those threads.

You be shakin' it, breakin' it and quakin' it... and that's no fakin it. And I ain't even up to your moves on the court yet. You like Shaq and Penny and Michael all rolled into one out there. Slam dunkin' with a quickness!

Ain't no two ways about it, and ain't nobody doubt it. My man!

No, You The Man

What? You crazy. Me? The man? Please. Everybody in town know who the man is—you the man! I ain't the man. No way. You got it all. And I mean all. Shit, I ain't got half what you got.

Yo, check this out—you smooth, man. Ain't nobody smoother than my boy Tyrell. You make the smooth look like they ain't smooth at all. Now, that's smooth.

So tell me this: How can I be the man when you the man? 'Cause, you see, there can be only one man, and I ain't it.

The other day, some folks came up to me, and they was all up in my face and shit, tellin' me that I be the man. When they said that, I was like, "What? You buggin! I ain't the man! No way, no day. My boy Tyrell, he the man."

After I tell 'em that, then they was all like, "Tyrell? That crazy homeboy from down 115th Street way? You right, Lorenzo—Tyrell is the man!"

But still, y'all better keep your hands off my lady, or else you gonna be the man with two black eyes, motherfucker! Shit, man, I was just playin' with you. You know I think you the man.

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