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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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You're Never Too Old For Laser Tag vs. Sir, If You're Not Accompanying A Minor I'm Going To Have To Ask You To Leave

You're Never Too Old For Laser Tag

When I walk into the office on Monday, the guys always ask me what I did over the weekend, and my answer is always the same: I played laser tag! Laser tag is a fun game of strategy, quick thinking, and constant action. When I was younger, I used to spend hours playing tag with my friends—but this game of "tag" is not just for kids. Adults can have a great time playing it too! Whether you're 7 or 107, laser tag is the best!

Okay, everybody enjoys playing sports, right? Well, laser tag is just another kind of sport, except better! Laser tag gives you all the thrills of competition with none of the contact. Plus, it's great exercise, and the simulated "warfare" gives you a huge adrenaline rush. You can have fun playing laser tag at any skill level, whether you just started or you've been playing for 20 years. It may just be the best sport on earth. I certainly think so!

In a lot of ways, laser tag is like a game of cowboys and Indians set in the future. Remember how much fun you had playing that game? Well, who said you had to stop? Being an adult doesn't mean you have to give up the stuff you love! In fact, I'd go so far as to say laser tag is an improvement on cowboys and Indians, because with laser tag you've got the computerized sensor system, so there's no debate over whether someone has "hit" you.

Just imagine if we had had that kind of technology when we were kids!

ZAP!

Now, I know some people are opposed to laser tag because they think it promotes violence. But to all those sticks in the mud I always say, "And what's football, then? Athletic hugging?" Come on! I think it's pretty difficult to confuse a laser gun with a real gun, even for kids. Maybe one day we'll be shooting lasers at aliens out in space, but for right now, it's just good clean fun for every age! And anyway, the lasers used in laser tag are real low-grade, so you don't have to worry about hurting your eyes.

Take my advice: Get a big group of friends or coworkers together, head down to your local laser tag arena, and get ready to have the most fun you've ever had in your life. I don't think there's anything in the world like the thrill of playing laser tag. It's like being on another planet or in some video game, except this is not a video game—it's the real thing! Just make sure you've cleared your afternoon, because once you're suited up, you're not going to want to leave!

Trust me, as soon as you fire your first laser gun, you'll wonder why you ever stopped playing tag. So just let go and allow yourself to have a great time. After all, why should kids get to have all the fun?

Sir, If You're Not Accompanying A Minor I'm Going To Have To Ask You To Leave

Excuse me, sir? Could you step into the hall, please? Thank you. We've received some complaints from the other parents about your behavior in the arena, and it has come to my attention that you may not be here with a child. Sir, I'm going to need you to stop watching the game for a minute and look at me. I'm afraid that the rules are clear and as it is our policy here at LaserAdventure to provide fun family entertainment to players 7 years and older, unless you are here with your son or daughter, I'm going to have to ask you to turn over your gun and sensor pack.

No, sir, I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to let you "get back out there" unless it is to accompany a minor. But if you'd prefer it, I could have my manager speak to you about our Player's Code, which you signed on the way in here.

As you can see on the banner above me, we here at LaserAdventure always put fun first and the fun at LaserAdventure is simply contagious. It is our goal to give everyone the best experience possible, which is why we do not allow aggressive or "professional" play in the main arena.

Sir, please stop pointing your gun at me. I've already deactivated it, and I'm not wearing a laser sensor. If you don't stop, I will be forced to have you escorted off the premises by mall security. I am not an "enemy combatant," nor do I have any idea who this "they" is you seem to think has sent me, unless you're talking about the team of 8-year-olds from the Hannah Montana birthday party you've been picking off from atop the refueling station for the past half hour.

And yes, before you say anything, I admit, there is nothing explicitly written in the Player's Code that prevents a man in his mid-30s from playing laser tag at 1 p.m. on a Wednesday against no one but middle schoolers, but frankly, sir, it's never been an issue before. Most of the adults who come in here just stand on the sidelines in case the children need them. We also traditionally allow players to pick their own names, although I'm sure you'll agree that choosing "Blood_Shall_Run" was a less than appropriate selection given the circumstances.

Also, the release you signed before playing makes you financially responsible for any damage you cause, and I'm fairly certain the pee-wee baseball team you were playing with didn't get the idea to kick out the black lights in the corner and start a POW camp on their own.

Yes, sir, I agree with you that "war is hell," but may I remind you that offensive language and threats directed to either the LaserAdventure staff or the parents of players, even those whose children you do not feel are pulling their weight, are not permitted at any time within the establishment?

I understand you were just having fun, but since you are clearly unable to follow the rules and regulations of LaserAdventure, I'm going to have to ask you to vacate the premises immediately.

Fine, sir. You are more than welcome to come back next time "with a real gun" and see if we listen to you any more closely then, but I can assure you we won't. Good day, sir.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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