Youth Is Wasted On The Young vs. Medication Is Wasted On The Old

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...
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Youth Is Wasted On The Young vs. Medication Is Wasted On The Old

Youth Is Wasted On The Young

They say hindsight is 20/20 and, boy, are they right. Young people fritter away the gifts of youth, wasting their time on silly video games and whatnot. Don't they understand how important it is to make the most of your life while you're still young?

If I were in my 20s again, I'd appreciate the things young people routinely take for granted. Like skating on a frozen lake, and running through a beautiful meadow. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have my strength and vitality back! Back then, I thought it would last forever, but now I know better.

Speaking of knowing better, with what I know now, I could probably start my own business, become a major-league baseball coach, and clean up on the stock market—all at the same time. I made a lot of mistakes as a youngster, but with the benefit of experience, I'd make the most of every opportunity that came my way.

When I see some of these young punks wasting their best years, it just makes me so angry. They think they're going to live forever, but when they get to be my age, they'll wish they hadn't wasted so much time drinking and swearing and hanging out at the mall in their shiny pants.

Just look at my grandson, Daniel. All he does is drive around in circles with his friends and listen to his bleep-bleep music. Doesn't he realize that while he wastes his time talking on the phone or sitting in front of the TV, his salad days are quickly slipping away?

It's not like I haven't tried talking to Daniel. I keep telling him he should see Europe while he's still spry, and that if he saved a fraction of his paychecks, he'd be living on Easy Street by the time he hit 50. But does he listen to me? No, siree. He usually just mumbles something about how he's got to pour more money into "tricking out his ride." That's what he calls the hatchback he bought a year ago. I call it a money pit.

If I were his age, I wouldn't waste my time on stuff like that. I'd be laying down the groundwork for a good, solid career. I'd be taking care of my body so I wouldn't have to spend my retirement years laid up in bed. And I'd spend as much quality time as possible with family and friends.

Why is it that, by the time you get your head straight, you're too tired and out-of-shape to do anything about it? It's a crime, I tell you.

Ah, I'd better calm down, or I'm gonna have to get one of my pills.

Medication Is Wasted On The Old

How come, with so many awesome drugs out there, the only people who get to use them are the elderly? They have access to all this great shit, but they're too boring and feeble to get high off them. It's like my buddies and I always say: Medication is wasted on the old.

There are tons of pills and drugs out there. But are they going to the people who know how much fun snorting ephedrine is? Or how amazing codeine makes you feel? Nope. Instead, all the good drugs are going to a bunch of grandmas and grandpas who take them responsibly and safely.

It's not like drugs are gonna cure the old folks, anyway: Their main health problem is that they're old. So while all the good stuff is going toward lowering their blood pressure or reducing their Alzheimer's symptoms, my friends and I are stuck huffing paint thinner. I'll be the first to support a pill that cures old age, but until that day comes, let's put the drugs where they can be best utilized—with the young.

If I get caught with a bag of weed by an undercover cop, I'm going to be doing serious time. But if you're old and tell a doctor you have glaucoma, you get to live in a beautiful, government-sanctioned marijuana haze. Not that they even appreciate it. Shit, most of those ancient glaucoma sufferers have probably never watched The Wall straight, much less baked off their asses.

Just thinking about all the OxyContin that's wasted on old folks makes me weep. You think the elderly are crushing it up to get heroin-like highs the way me and my friends would? No way. They're taking it in pussy, doctor-recommended doses like the scared little babies they are.

If me and my friends could get half the stash that the old lady down the street with leukemia and diabetes gets every week, I'd be set. Aw, who am I kidding? We'd probably blow it all in a two-day, up-all-night binge. That's because, unlike some shriveled old widow who takes her pills with dinner and is in bed by 9, we know how to party.

You think these old people are heading out to raves? You think that old lady who sits all day in the lawn chair in front of her house is using her prescription amphetamines for a 72-hour road-trip binge with her friends? Of course not! She's old, and her fun days are long behind her.

Well, old people's lives may be almost over, but mine's just begun. But, for some reason, society deems creaky oldsters more deserving of the medication that would make my life a drug-soaked, hedonistic orgy. It's a damn shame.

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