Columnists

  • Jim Anchower

    Jim Anchower joined The Onion's editorial writing staff in 1993 after several distinguished years on The Come Back Inn dishwashing staff. He comments on community-affairs, automotive, and employment issues. He attended LaFollette High School in Madison, WI.

  • I'm Totally Dating A Black Chick

    ISSUE 43•29 | 07.18.07

    Hola, amigos. What up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things got crazy, if you know what I mean. I got sacked from my job... more»

  • I'm Gonna Get Me A Wii If It Kills Me

    ISSUE 42•49 | 12.05.06

    Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got a lot on my plate these days. Serious, it was a one-two punch that... more»

  • I Kinda Had A Breakdown

    ISSUE 42•29 | 07.19.06

    Hola amigos. How's shit shaking out? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but misery's been flying at me from all directions, and... more»

  • I Guess I Got A Girlfriend

    ISSUE 41•41 | 10.12.05

    Hola amigos. What's shakin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but the waters are not always smooth in Lake Anchower. The brakes... more»

  • My Hover-Car Is Shot

    ISSUE 41•25 | 06.22.05

    Hola, amigos. What's your deal? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been all sorts of mess going on in my life. For one thing, I've been having a hard time getting my government checks. Not that they're worth a whole lot, but I didn't work 57 jobs just to wait by the inbox for my Social Security download. In the meantime, I've got a little side job detailing vintage gas-engine cars out of the driveway of my apartment dome. I don't have a whole lot of customers, but it's all credits up front, so I don't need to report it to the IRS Compliance Force. more»

  • I'm Sick Of These Money Problems

    ISSUE 41•23 | 06.08.05

    Hola, amigos. What's goin' on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but it's like life keeps raining shit down on me and I don't have a shit shovel big enough to clear it all away. My ride is giving me grief. The muffler is coming loose, so it's making a lot of noise. The car might sound badass if it were, like, a Thunderbird or something. But it's a Festiva, so it sounds like a souped-up lawn mower. I took a tin can and some muffler tape and patched the pipe up, but my repair job isn't going to last for long. more»

  • I Gotta Get Out More Often

    ISSUE 41•15 | 04.13.05

    Hola, amigos. What do you hear? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been dragging my ass through the routine. The winter always gets me down. Don't tell me how it's spring. I know it's spring, but that makes it worse. It gets warm for a few days, I think I finally broke on through to the other side, and then it snows and I feel like shit again. Plus, my alternator belt is squeaking. I got a new one, but I haven't changed it yet because who wants to do car repairs when it's nice out? more»

  • Getting A New Place Sucks!

    ISSUE 41•09 | 03.02.05

    Hola, amigos. What's the deal? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been having a heaping helping of problems. First off, the bill collectors from the hospital have been on my ass about the money I owe them for fixing up my leg earlier this winter. I didn't have insurance, so I owe them a shitload. I told them I didn't have any money and they were going to have to open the cut they sewed up if they wanted any more blood from me. The way I figure it, I got a few months before they send it over to a collection agency. And, if I give them a hundred bucks or so, that'll buy even more time. more»

  • Junk Yardin'

    ISSUE 41•03 | 01.19.05

    Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a fistful of problems lately. I had to beg Ron for a second chance at the crappy carbonics plant. That sucked, first because I hate begging, and second because I hate begging Ron. I had to remind him of the time I pulled this guy with a USMC tattoo off of him after he got too friendly with the marine's woman. I was hoping to cash that favor in for something good, instead I had to waste it on a job. more»

  • Back In The Driver's Seat

    ISSUE 40•46 | 11.17.04

    Hola, amigos. Who's your daddy? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been no end of troubles in Anchower Town. more»