Articles by "T. Herman Zweibel"
I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon
Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the many Eastern sea-board offices of The Onion ...
I Shall Now Exact My Final Revenge Upon That Jack-Ass Joseph Pulitzer
I was roused from an unusually restful sleep yesterday for reasons utterly alien to a news-paper publisher: a meeting with the normally biddable and pliant ...
It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar
When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as supreme imperator of all advertising-related ...
Governor Walker Should Be Flogged For His Inability To Control His Underlings
By any civilized measure, this should be a golden age for America. My editors inform me that the gap between rich and poor is the ...
I Have Seen The Future
The insufferable downy-cheeked technocrats in my employ at the Onion News Net-Work have informed me that, due to some folderol about worm-holes aboard fantastical ships ...
Well, I've Sold The Paper To The Chinese
As the longtime publisher of this news-paper, it is my duty and unrestrained pleasure to announce to you spittle-soaked readers that I have sold...
The Cauldron Of History
It has been brought to my attention that another flag-bedecked, bunting-encrusted electoral pantechnicon has been brought to a roaring, shuddering...
Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's Election 'Blog'
It has been brought to my attention that, during the course of this year's uniquely American shadow-puppet interpretation of the democratic...
Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's 'War For The White House' Web Site
My lackeys inform me that it is almost time to appoint a new
President, and therefore time for the suet-brained populace of this...
I Miss My Old Sled
I have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my thoughts invariably ...























