Articles by "T. Herman Zweibel"
My Failed Suicide Attempts
There is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this mortal coil ...
The Final Frontier
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Standish and I are currently hurtling away from the Earth in a giant metal ...
A Walk In The Woods
Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is carrying me ...
All's Right With The World
Huzzah and greetings to the fine Onion reader-ship! All is well with you, I hope! You have a crust to gnaw upon and whale-oil aplenty ...
Mockery
Hi, everybody! I'm T. Herman Zweibel! I'm old and stupid! I wet myself a lot! I live in a big, stupid mansion! Listen ...
A Portentous Estate Sale
Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of this news-paper's mid-continental distribution ...
Dungeon Master
With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of individuals currently chained in ...
The Peace Of The Womb
As the publisher of the greatest news-paper the Republic has ever seen, I have not had a peace-ful existence. My thousand daily cares are like ...
Around The World In One Paragraph
Yesterday in my bed-chamber, Nurse Pin-head opened the glass-doors to my private balcony to release the fetid cloud of odors, miasmas, and sour regrets which ...
I Will Decide What Is Appropriate For Children!
Among the mewling, puking horde of bottle-babies that is The Onion's reader-ship, there have always been those who seek to tell me how to ...




















