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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Are You In Favor Of Capital Punishment?

  • No. A full prison is a happy prison.
  • Definitely, unless our justice system were to ever somehow become vulnerable to racial bias and human error.
  • I don’t know. And not in the “I’ve weighed all the arguments but it’s all so complicated I can’t yet arrive at a decision” way, either.
  • Yes, but if the prisoner tells his story and is able to make the executioner cry then he gets to go free.
  • Only if we’re at least 75 percent sure they did it.
  • Come on now, Frank. We’re trying to sit down and have a nice dinner here. We can talk about this later.
  • Yes. I find last meals interesting.

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