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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Are You In Favor Of Capital Punishment?

  • No. A full prison is a happy prison.
  • Definitely, unless our justice system were to ever somehow become vulnerable to racial bias and human error.
  • I don’t know. And not in the “I’ve weighed all the arguments but it’s all so complicated I can’t yet arrive at a decision” way, either.
  • Yes, but if the prisoner tells his story and is able to make the executioner cry then he gets to go free.
  • Only if we’re at least 75 percent sure they did it.
  • Come on now, Frank. We’re trying to sit down and have a nice dinner here. We can talk about this later.
  • Yes. I find last meals interesting.
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