Are You Ready For Some Football?

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Vol 49 Issue 36

Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL Week One games: Ravens at Broncos OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Broncos — The Broncos will win this game in a 49-27 rout o...

Nicole Walden

A memorial service will be held Friday for Nicole Walden, the world’s first “Nikki,” who passed away peacefully yesterday at 92.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Spring

Are You Ready For Some Football?

  • Can one ever truly be ready for some football?
  • Indubitably, my good sir! Assemble my nachos, posthaste!
  • Not until week four or five, usually
  • Depends; who's playing?
  • After a thrilling preseason like that, you better believe it
  • None of your business
  • Need to research the issue
  • Still catching up on last season
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