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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Do You Approve Of Congress’ Job Performance?

  • No. They need to be replaced by different out-of-touch, egomaniacal pricks.
  • Yes, but only Rep. Alan S. Lowenthal of California. That guy’s incredible!
  • Completely unacceptable, but they still deserve a few more chances to get it right.
  • No, but I approve of them as individuals with unique hopes and dreams.
  • The fat cats in Congress? Hell, you can only trust those bastards as far as you can throw ’em. I’ll tell you, people wonder why this country is going down the tubes and you don’t need to look any further than those overpaid clowns controlling Capitol Hill, my friend.
  • No! And thank you; I’ve been dying to get this off my chest.
  • Definitely. Did you read H.R. 308? Fucking poetry, man.
  • Of course not, but when has anyone cared what South Dakota thinks?

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