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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Do You Approve Of Congress’ Job Performance?

  • No. They need to be replaced by different out-of-touch, egomaniacal pricks.
  • Yes, but only Rep. Alan S. Lowenthal of California. That guy’s incredible!
  • Completely unacceptable, but they still deserve a few more chances to get it right.
  • No, but I approve of them as individuals with unique hopes and dreams.
  • The fat cats in Congress? Hell, you can only trust those bastards as far as you can throw ’em. I’ll tell you, people wonder why this country is going down the tubes and you don’t need to look any further than those overpaid clowns controlling Capitol Hill, my friend.
  • No! And thank you; I’ve been dying to get this off my chest.
  • Definitely. Did you read H.R. 308? Fucking poetry, man.
  • Of course not, but when has anyone cared what South Dakota thinks?

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