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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Do You Approve Of The NSA Spying On Citizens?

  • Yes. It’s nice to have someone listening besides God.
  • I wasn’t doing much with my civil liberties anyway, to be honest.
  • No. I don’t need some government agency to thwart terrorism for me.
  • They’re welcome to try, but as a fair warning, I only type at one speed: fast.
  • I like knowing there’s an audience for my little show.
  • No. My correspondences with my best friend Greg are between me and Greg.
  • Yes, as long as they offer constructive criticism and keep in mind that I’m a work in progress.
  • Well, there haven’t been any terrorist attacks here in Olathe, KS, so I’m fine with it.

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