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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Do You Approve Of The NSA Spying On Citizens?

  • Yes. It’s nice to have someone listening besides God.
  • I wasn’t doing much with my civil liberties anyway, to be honest.
  • No. I don’t need some government agency to thwart terrorism for me.
  • They’re welcome to try, but as a fair warning, I only type at one speed: fast.
  • I like knowing there’s an audience for my little show.
  • No. My correspondences with my best friend Greg are between me and Greg.
  • Yes, as long as they offer constructive criticism and keep in mind that I’m a work in progress.
  • Well, there haven’t been any terrorist attacks here in Olathe, KS, so I’m fine with it.

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