Do You Believe Aliens Exist?

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Do You Believe Aliens Exist?

  • No. The universe needs to be about me.
  • Yes. And I have a half-remembered dream to prove it.
  • No. I believe that the only life in the infinite bounds of space is contained within an 8,000-mile radius of Tempe, AZ.
  • It depends—do they believe in us? I’m only on board if the belief is mutual.
  • Well, shucks. I reckon I can't say. I'm just a simple fella who doesn't concern himself with beings outside this here solar system.
  • Of course not, fellow human adult. Like you, I am just a normal Earth breeding drone who loves Earth sports and ketchup.
  • I don’t know. Is that a weird or normal thing to believe now?
  • There better be; my alibi relies heavily on it.
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