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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Do You Believe Aliens Exist?

  • No. The universe needs to be about me.
  • Yes. And I have a half-remembered dream to prove it.
  • No. I believe that the only life in the infinite bounds of space is contained within an 8,000-mile radius of Tempe, AZ.
  • It depends—do they believe in us? I’m only on board if the belief is mutual.
  • Well, shucks. I reckon I can't say. I'm just a simple fella who doesn't concern himself with beings outside this here solar system.
  • Of course not, fellow human adult. Like you, I am just a normal Earth breeding drone who loves Earth sports and ketchup.
  • I don’t know. Is that a weird or normal thing to believe now?
  • There better be; my alibi relies heavily on it.
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