WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.
- Yes. Both human beings and animals deserve the right to live long, pointless existences in a world of constant suffering.
- No way. If we expand rights to animals, what’s next? Letting them live in our homes and sleep in our beds and calling ourselves their “mother” like they’re members of our own families?
- Only the ones whose owners force them to wear human clothes.
- Who am I to say? I am but one sentient ape, taught to speak by a laboratory experiment. It is the human race, and the human race alone, that must decide such a lofty matter for itself.
- Their rights should be determined exactly like humans’: through a globalized socioeconomic caste system.
- Nah, animals can fuck off.
- Yes, but keep in mind that I’m also fine with humans getting hunted and killed during certain months of the year.
- I don't know, but it'd be fun to see a monkey in court.