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Do You Believe Animals Should Have The Same Rights As Humans?

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Do You Believe Animals Should Have The Same Rights As Humans?

  • Yes. Both human beings and animals deserve the right to live long, pointless existences in a world of constant suffering.
  • No way. If we expand rights to animals, what’s next? Letting them live in our homes and sleep in our beds and calling ourselves their “mother” like they’re members of our own families?
  • Only the ones whose owners force them to wear human clothes.
  • Who am I to say? I am but one sentient ape, taught to speak by a laboratory experiment. It is the human race, and the human race alone, that must decide such a lofty matter for itself.
  • Their rights should be determined exactly like humans’: through a globalized socioeconomic caste system.
  • Nah, animals can fuck off.
  • Yes, but keep in mind that I’m also fine with humans getting hunted and killed during certain months of the year.
  • I don't know, but it'd be fun to see a monkey in court.

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