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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Do You Believe Animals Should Have The Same Rights As Humans?

  • Yes. Both human beings and animals deserve the right to live long, pointless existences in a world of constant suffering.
  • No way. If we expand rights to animals, what’s next? Letting them live in our homes and sleep in our beds and calling ourselves their “mother” like they’re members of our own families?
  • Only the ones whose owners force them to wear human clothes.
  • Who am I to say? I am but one sentient ape, taught to speak by a laboratory experiment. It is the human race, and the human race alone, that must decide such a lofty matter for itself.
  • Their rights should be determined exactly like humans’: through a globalized socioeconomic caste system.
  • Nah, animals can fuck off.
  • Yes, but keep in mind that I’m also fine with humans getting hunted and killed during certain months of the year.
  • I don't know, but it'd be fun to see a monkey in court.
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