NEW YORK—After his laptop suddenly stopped working earlier this week, chronically anxious man Henry Geller, 36, confirmed to reporters how nice it was to have an actual problem to worry about for a change.
- Yes. Both human beings and animals deserve the right to live long, pointless existences in a world of constant suffering.
- No way. If we expand rights to animals, what’s next? Letting them live in our homes and sleep in our beds and calling ourselves their “mother” like they’re members of our own families?
- Only the ones whose owners force them to wear human clothes.
- Who am I to say? I am but one sentient ape, taught to speak by a laboratory experiment. It is the human race, and the human race alone, that must decide such a lofty matter for itself.
- Their rights should be determined exactly like humans’: through a globalized socioeconomic caste system.
- Nah, animals can fuck off.
- Yes, but keep in mind that I’m also fine with humans getting hunted and killed during certain months of the year.
- I don't know, but it'd be fun to see a monkey in court.