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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Do You Believe Animals Should Have The Same Rights As Humans?

  • Yes. Both human beings and animals deserve the right to live long, pointless existences in a world of constant suffering.
  • No way. If we expand rights to animals, what’s next? Letting them live in our homes and sleep in our beds and calling ourselves their “mother” like they’re members of our own families?
  • Only the ones whose owners force them to wear human clothes.
  • Who am I to say? I am but one sentient ape, taught to speak by a laboratory experiment. It is the human race, and the human race alone, that must decide such a lofty matter for itself.
  • Their rights should be determined exactly like humans’: through a globalized socioeconomic caste system.
  • Nah, animals can fuck off.
  • Yes, but keep in mind that I’m also fine with humans getting hunted and killed during certain months of the year.
  • I don't know, but it'd be fun to see a monkey in court.

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