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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Do You Believe Edward Snowden Is A Traitor Or Hero?

  • I have very little patience for people who stand up for what they believe.
  • Only a traitor would take advantage of an innocent, naive defense technology consulting firm like that.
  • My gut is telling me “hero,” but then again I was totally wrong about Snape, so who knows?
  • He’s really made me think about online privacy, and I hate him for that.
  • His actions say “traitor,” but his milky soft skin and penetrating cocoa-hued eyes scream “hero, hero, hero!”
  • I’ve always thought of him as a hero because he’s my son.
  • Isn’t there something in the middle, like bailiff?
  • Now, Bill, remember that we don’t talk politics at the table. Let’s just all try to have a nice meal, okay?

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