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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Do You Believe Edward Snowden Is A Traitor Or Hero?

  • I have very little patience for people who stand up for what they believe.
  • Only a traitor would take advantage of an innocent, naive defense technology consulting firm like that.
  • My gut is telling me “hero,” but then again I was totally wrong about Snape, so who knows?
  • He’s really made me think about online privacy, and I hate him for that.
  • His actions say “traitor,” but his milky soft skin and penetrating cocoa-hued eyes scream “hero, hero, hero!”
  • I’ve always thought of him as a hero because he’s my son.
  • Isn’t there something in the middle, like bailiff?
  • Now, Bill, remember that we don’t talk politics at the table. Let’s just all try to have a nice meal, okay?
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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