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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Do You Believe Edward Snowden Is A Traitor Or Hero?

  • I have very little patience for people who stand up for what they believe.
  • Only a traitor would take advantage of an innocent, naive defense technology consulting firm like that.
  • My gut is telling me “hero,” but then again I was totally wrong about Snape, so who knows?
  • He’s really made me think about online privacy, and I hate him for that.
  • His actions say “traitor,” but his milky soft skin and penetrating cocoa-hued eyes scream “hero, hero, hero!”
  • I’ve always thought of him as a hero because he’s my son.
  • Isn’t there something in the middle, like bailiff?
  • Now, Bill, remember that we don’t talk politics at the table. Let’s just all try to have a nice meal, okay?

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