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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Do You Believe Felons Should Have The Right To Vote?

  • Of course not. Can you imagine leaving elections in the hands of such uninformed decision-makers?
  • Yes, but only for the next few presidential elections and then we should evaluate how they did.
  • Sure. Who’s more up on the issues than people completely isolated from the outside world for months at a time?
  • Yes. I love a little danger when I head to the polls.
  • No, and I say that as a man with lots of blood on his hands.
  • Absolutely. They should be forced to think critically about party platforms as part of their punishment.
  • Yes. Anyone willing to tunnel out of prison under cover of darkness, adopt a pseudonym, and infiltrate their polling place in disguise deserves to have their voice heard.
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