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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.
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Do You Believe Felons Should Have The Right To Vote?

  • Of course not. Can you imagine leaving elections in the hands of such uninformed decision-makers?
  • Yes, but only for the next few presidential elections and then we should evaluate how they did.
  • Sure. Who’s more up on the issues than people completely isolated from the outside world for months at a time?
  • Yes. I love a little danger when I head to the polls.
  • No, and I say that as a man with lots of blood on his hands.
  • Absolutely. They should be forced to think critically about party platforms as part of their punishment.
  • Yes. Anyone willing to tunnel out of prison under cover of darkness, adopt a pseudonym, and infiltrate their polling place in disguise deserves to have their voice heard.

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