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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Do You Believe Felons Should Have The Right To Vote?

  • Of course not. Can you imagine leaving elections in the hands of such uninformed decision-makers?
  • Yes, but only for the next few presidential elections and then we should evaluate how they did.
  • Sure. Who’s more up on the issues than people completely isolated from the outside world for months at a time?
  • Yes. I love a little danger when I head to the polls.
  • No, and I say that as a man with lots of blood on his hands.
  • Absolutely. They should be forced to think critically about party platforms as part of their punishment.
  • Yes. Anyone willing to tunnel out of prison under cover of darkness, adopt a pseudonym, and infiltrate their polling place in disguise deserves to have their voice heard.

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