Do You Believe In Global Warming?

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

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Do You Believe In Global Warming?

  • No; I need overwhelming scientific evidence before I’ll believe something like that.
  • Yes. I haven’t seen a single glacier anywhere.
  • Only in a metaphorical sense.
  • Not until the Costa Rican variable harlequin toad dies out for good.
  • I’m close, but I’ll need to see a slightly melted earth on the cover of ‘Time’ magazine first.
  • Yes, because in this day and age we all need to believe in something.
  • I don’t, but that hasn’t ruined ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ for me.
  • That’s neither here nor there. Two people in the parking lot saw you leave your dog inside the vehicle. Come with me.
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