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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Do You Believe In Global Warming?

  • No; I need overwhelming scientific evidence before I’ll believe something like that.
  • Yes. I haven’t seen a single glacier anywhere.
  • Only in a metaphorical sense.
  • Not until the Costa Rican variable harlequin toad dies out for good.
  • I’m close, but I’ll need to see a slightly melted earth on the cover of ‘Time’ magazine first.
  • Yes, because in this day and age we all need to believe in something.
  • I don’t, but that hasn’t ruined ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ for me.
  • That’s neither here nor there. Two people in the parking lot saw you leave your dog inside the vehicle. Come with me.

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