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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Do You Believe In God?

  • Yeppers.
  • I guess I never thought about it until just now when you asked me.
  • You mean Drathragaal? Of course.
  • Yes; I really enjoy capitalizing the “H” in “He.”
  • No; did you not see that horrible sunset last night?
  • There’s got to be something divine behind the smooth, sweet taste of cream soda.
  • Yes, I do believe in Her. Am I an amazing person or what?
  • I believe in love. I believe in us. Isn’t that enough?

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