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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Do You Believe In Spanking Children?

  • Yes. How else are we supposed to let our children know we were physically disciplined by our own parents?
  • Only as long as you’re just threatening it and never following through.
  • No, but I still do it because I care about my kids.
  • Yes. No. I forget which type of parenting style I’m into right now.
  • Yes. If I hadn’t been spanked as a child I would still be touching my dad’s autographed baseball memorabilia.
  • No, but imagining it is what gets me through the day.
  • Depends on what store I’m in.
  • Spanking them is okay, but you should never perform a drum solo on their buttocks.

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