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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Do You Believe In The Theory Of Evolution?

  • Yes. I’ve been naturally selected to be agreeable.
  • I’ll believe it when I see it with my own eyes over millions of years.
  • I only believe in what’s written in the Holy Bible and peer-reviewed scientific journals.
  • Not until I saw the 2014 Acura MDX, my friend. The all-new 2014 Acura MDX.
  • Chemolithotrophic bacteria into hyperthermophilic bacteria? Yes. Anaerobic microbes into eucaryotic proteasomes? No.
  • It seems cruel to believe in evolution after God worked so hard on all those fossils to test our faith.
  • Take one look at these sculpted calves and tell me I wasn’t intelligently designed.
  • True or not, I’m still showing 'Jurassic Park' to my students on Friday.

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