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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Do You Believe In The Theory Of Evolution?

  • Yes. I’ve been naturally selected to be agreeable.
  • I’ll believe it when I see it with my own eyes over millions of years.
  • I only believe in what’s written in the Holy Bible and peer-reviewed scientific journals.
  • Not until I saw the 2014 Acura MDX, my friend. The all-new 2014 Acura MDX.
  • Chemolithotrophic bacteria into hyperthermophilic bacteria? Yes. Anaerobic microbes into eucaryotic proteasomes? No.
  • It seems cruel to believe in evolution after God worked so hard on all those fossils to test our faith.
  • Take one look at these sculpted calves and tell me I wasn’t intelligently designed.
  • True or not, I’m still showing 'Jurassic Park' to my students on Friday.

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