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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Do You Believe Same-Sex Couples Should Be Allowed To Marry?

  • No. The Bible clearly states that marriage is between two nomadic Hebrews of the opposite sex.
  • Yes. I hate the idea that any of the couples in these girl-on-girl erotic massage videos are living in sin.
  • It depends—is this the same thing as gay marriage?
  • Yes, but if they have kids, one spouse must be easygoing and the other must be strict.
  • No, can’t you read the sign I’m holding at this soldier’s funeral?
  • Oh, Jeremy, yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! I’ve been waiting for you to ask me for months!
  • Yes, but I am a robot, and sadly, we are not able to vote yet. That is the real issue we should be talking about.
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