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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Do You Believe Unpaid Internships Are Unethical?

  • No, if these kids can’t afford to live for months at a time in a major metropolitan city without a salary, then they don’t seem like the type of people that deserve the good jobs.
  • Yes, I’m appalled at these companies unless they end up hiring me.
  • No way. Interns are handsomely compensated with oxygen and chairs.
  • Of course not. The best way to see if someone is truly qualified and well-suited for a job is to see how well he or she can do mindless busy work without complaint.
  • There’s no way we’re paying Nate for the crap he does.
  • It’s fine, as long as the interns don’t walk away with the sense they are owed, or have accomplished, anything.
  • Yes, but who am I to pay people who work for me?

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