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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Do You Believe Unpaid Internships Are Unethical?

  • No, if these kids can’t afford to live for months at a time in a major metropolitan city without a salary, then they don’t seem like the type of people that deserve the good jobs.
  • Yes, I’m appalled at these companies unless they end up hiring me.
  • No way. Interns are handsomely compensated with oxygen and chairs.
  • Of course not. The best way to see if someone is truly qualified and well-suited for a job is to see how well he or she can do mindless busy work without complaint.
  • There’s no way we’re paying Nate for the crap he does.
  • It’s fine, as long as the interns don’t walk away with the sense they are owed, or have accomplished, anything.
  • Yes, but who am I to pay people who work for me?
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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