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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Do You Support Banning The Possession Of Handguns?

  • No. I need this handgun in case I have to shoot a person.
  • Certainly not the Beretta Px4 Storm Inox! Talk about smooth action.
  • Yes, but only if we can still make our hands into the shape of a gun and pretend to blow smoke from it after dishing out a great insult.
  • Not until I settle a few scores.
  • Only for criminals and men of poor repute.
  • You can’t possibly be suggesting I get rid of Peggy?!
  • I’m so good at fighting that it doesn’t really matter.
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