Do You Think College Is A Good Investment?

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Vol 50 Issue 18

Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for hi...

Bodybuilder's Veins Now Outside Of His Skin

A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are, and a bodybuilder’s veins are now outside of his skin.

McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries

McDonald’s confirmed they’re testing do-it-yourself seasoned french fries, which customers assemble by pouring packets of flavoring onto the fries in a special mixing bag, a concept that was introduced by Burger King in 2002 and failed.

Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away

CHICAGO—Steadfastly staring at his iPhone screen as the shouting grew louder, local man Kyle Rankin spent his bus ride Friday morning acting as if a rapidly escalating argument between two passengers was not happening directly across the aisle from ...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Comedy

Do You Think College Is A Good Investment?

  • Yes. Without college I could never have landed this job curating blog content all day.
  • No. Some of us were pegged as unskilled labor a loooooong time ago.
  • Maybe—it depends on which of my kids you’re asking about.
  • Of course. You can’t put a price on great memories, even though someone did and it’s almost $200,000.
  • Yes. I own several universities and they are very profitable.
  • No. Provosts are not to be trusted.
  • Absolutely. It’s important to get into debt early while you still have a lot of life left to ruin.
  • Yes. You can’t truly earn a Florida State sweatshirt by just buying one.
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