While there is much to find concerning in the collection of White House files that The Onion has obtained, no documents are more unnerving than those pertaining to a shadowy secret program known as the Theseus Protocol.
- No, I enjoy watching my patients destroy themselves.
- Yes. But I feel like if I don’t take all of them, I’m being rude to my doctor.
- What are you saying, that there’s nothing actually wrong with Jeremy?
- It seems like doctors will give you penicillin for just about any life-threatening infection these days.
- How else am I going to counteract the side effects of drugs I’ve already been prescribed?
- I still can’t get my kid to shut the fuck up, so no.
- Yes, especially the purple ones.
- Why? What do you need?