CHICAGO—Describing the sickening sight and stench of the carcasses that have become a constant presence around the clubhouse, members of the Chicago Cubs admitted to reporters Tuesday that they have become increasingly unnerved by third baseman Kris Bryant’s repeated attempts to break the team’s so-called “Curse of the Billy Goat” by slaughtering goats.
- No, I enjoy watching my patients destroy themselves.
- Yes. But I feel like if I don’t take all of them, I’m being rude to my doctor.
- What are you saying, that there’s nothing actually wrong with Jeremy?
- It seems like doctors will give you penicillin for just about any life-threatening infection these days.
- How else am I going to counteract the side effects of drugs I’ve already been prescribed?
- I still can’t get my kid to shut the fuck up, so no.
- Yes, especially the purple ones.
- Why? What do you need?