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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Do You Think Schools Should Teach Abstinence-Only Sex Education?

  • Yes. Our culture and media are so saturated with images of abstinence, it’s important for kids to get the facts.
  • No. We must propagate the species.
  • Of course. How else are we going to prepare them for a life where no one gets raped and everyone gets married?
  • We shouldn’t teach sexual education at all. Sex should remain a beautiful mystery, like science.
  • Yes. If we don’t, kids will just pick up myths about saving it for marriage on the playground.
  • Either way is fine as long as gym teachers with no classroom experience are still the ones teaching it.
  • I just drop them off and pick them up. Do what you have to do.
  • Yes, unless of course the students are really in love.
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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