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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Do You Think Schools Should Teach Abstinence-Only Sex Education?

  • Yes. Our culture and media are so saturated with images of abstinence, it’s important for kids to get the facts.
  • No. We must propagate the species.
  • Of course. How else are we going to prepare them for a life where no one gets raped and everyone gets married?
  • We shouldn’t teach sexual education at all. Sex should remain a beautiful mystery, like science.
  • Yes. If we don’t, kids will just pick up myths about saving it for marriage on the playground.
  • Either way is fine as long as gym teachers with no classroom experience are still the ones teaching it.
  • I just drop them off and pick them up. Do what you have to do.
  • Yes, unless of course the students are really in love.
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