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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Do You Think Schools Should Teach Abstinence-Only Sex Education?

  • Yes. Our culture and media are so saturated with images of abstinence, it’s important for kids to get the facts.
  • No. We must propagate the species.
  • Of course. How else are we going to prepare them for a life where no one gets raped and everyone gets married?
  • We shouldn’t teach sexual education at all. Sex should remain a beautiful mystery, like science.
  • Yes. If we don’t, kids will just pick up myths about saving it for marriage on the playground.
  • Either way is fine as long as gym teachers with no classroom experience are still the ones teaching it.
  • I just drop them off and pick them up. Do what you have to do.
  • Yes, unless of course the students are really in love.

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