MANSFIELD, OH—Frantically shifting his gaze between the field and play clock as the seconds wound down, local 34-year-old football fan Isaac Collins announced Sunday that the quarterback better hurry the hell up and snap the ball.
- Not if they’re just going to spend it on food and clothes.
- Sure, but can we keep Mike’s paycheck the same? He’s the worst.
- No way. They’ll get a big head and think they’re as valuable to society as someone who makes $12 an hour.
- Yes. That would make me feel much less guilty about how I treated the employees at the Halloween store.
- They already get a free unisex crew shirt and one discounted medium order of fries per shift. What else do they want?
- Raise it or lower it. One thing is for sure: it can’t stay the same.
- Yes, but only if we raise all other wages so no one feels excluded.
- What fun is raising a family without the thrilling uncertainty of whether or not you’ll be able to feed them?
- Yes? No? Look, I’m just trying to enjoy my daily 90-second break here.