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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Do You Think The Minimum Wage Should Be Increased?

  • Not if they’re just going to spend it on food and clothes.
  • Sure, but can we keep Mike’s paycheck the same? He’s the worst.
  • No way. They’ll get a big head and think they’re as valuable to society as someone who makes $12 an hour.
  • Yes. That would make me feel much less guilty about how I treated the employees at the Halloween store.
  • They already get a free unisex crew shirt and one discounted medium order of fries per shift. What else do they want?
  • Raise it or lower it. One thing is for sure: it can’t stay the same.
  • Yes, but only if we raise all other wages so no one feels excluded.
  • What fun is raising a family without the thrilling uncertainty of whether or not you’ll be able to feed them?
  • Yes? No? Look, I’m just trying to enjoy my daily 90-second break here.
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