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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Do You Think The Minimum Wage Should Be Increased?

  • Not if they’re just going to spend it on food and clothes.
  • Sure, but can we keep Mike’s paycheck the same? He’s the worst.
  • No way. They’ll get a big head and think they’re as valuable to society as someone who makes $12 an hour.
  • Yes. That would make me feel much less guilty about how I treated the employees at the Halloween store.
  • They already get a free unisex crew shirt and one discounted medium order of fries per shift. What else do they want?
  • Raise it or lower it. One thing is for sure: it can’t stay the same.
  • Yes, but only if we raise all other wages so no one feels excluded.
  • What fun is raising a family without the thrilling uncertainty of whether or not you’ll be able to feed them?
  • Yes? No? Look, I’m just trying to enjoy my daily 90-second break here.
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