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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Do You Vaccinate Your Children?

  • Yes. I love to see the needle plow deep into their soft, unsullied flesh.
  • Annabelle, yes. Jason, no.
  • Not until one of these doctors vaccinates themselves to prove that these things aren’t full of poison.
  • Yes. Wait, does this mean some people don’t? Holy shit.
  • Only if they’ve been good.
  • Absolutely not. It’s my right as a parent to kill everyone who comes into contact with my child.
  • Yes, but only because I love the complete rush of waiting to see if my child gets autism.
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