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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Should Companies Be Required To Cover Birth Control In Their Health Insurance Policies?

  • Absolutely not. Employees should respect the beliefs of the people taking away their rights.
  • Sure, as long as the insurance companies can split the cost with the employees’ boyfriends.
  • No. No one at my company is having intercourse.
  • Yes, but only because I desperately want my company involved in every aspect of my personal life.
  • If we force companies to pay for women’s sexual health prescriptions, then what’s next? Covering the cost of Viagra and Cialis for men, no questions asked?
  • No way. I love flashing cold hard cash to my Walgreens cashier when I’m picking up Ortho Tri-Cyclen.
  • Yes, provided that birth control pills are given as rewards in exchange for meeting sales projections.
  • No. Employers shouldn’t be bullied into violating their deeply held beliefs by immoral women they personally hired to work for them.
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