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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Should Companies Be Required To Cover Birth Control In Their Health Insurance Policies?

  • Absolutely not. Employees should respect the beliefs of the people taking away their rights.
  • Sure, as long as the insurance companies can split the cost with the employees’ boyfriends.
  • No. No one at my company is having intercourse.
  • Yes, but only because I desperately want my company involved in every aspect of my personal life.
  • If we force companies to pay for women’s sexual health prescriptions, then what’s next? Covering the cost of Viagra and Cialis for men, no questions asked?
  • No way. I love flashing cold hard cash to my Walgreens cashier when I’m picking up Ortho Tri-Cyclen.
  • Yes, provided that birth control pills are given as rewards in exchange for meeting sales projections.
  • No. Employers shouldn’t be bullied into violating their deeply held beliefs by immoral women they personally hired to work for them.

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