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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Should Employers Be Required To Offer Paid Maternity Leave?

  • Absolutely not. Then people will get the idea that this country will invest in kids the rest of the time they’re growing up.
  • Yes. Companies who don’t want to pay should have just fired the employee when she got pregnant.
  • No, the first few weeks are essential bonding time for a newborn and her au pair.
  • Absolutely. It’s the only way we’re going to get rid of Jan.
  • Of course, as long as it’s 80 percent of what a pregnant man would be paid.
  • Yes, but when they come back they can never speak about what transpired ever again.
  • No way. What are we, nearly every other nation in the world?

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