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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Should Kids Be Allowed To Sleep In Bed With Their Parents?

  • No. Bedtime is when parents get to make fun of all the stupid things their child said that day.
  • Yes, but not past age 25.
  • Absolutely not. Kids should cry themselves to sleep each night, same as me.
  • Sure. It seems slightly less weird than other recent parenting trends.
  • Okay, but only if they all sleep in descending order of height.
  • Yes!
  • No; otherwise those kids would never grow out of being the little spoon.
  • Definitely. I’m not going to wait until morning to be kicked in the face.
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