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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Should Kids Be Allowed To Sleep In Bed With Their Parents?

  • No. Bedtime is when parents get to make fun of all the stupid things their child said that day.
  • Yes, but not past age 25.
  • Absolutely not. Kids should cry themselves to sleep each night, same as me.
  • Sure. It seems slightly less weird than other recent parenting trends.
  • Okay, but only if they all sleep in descending order of height.
  • Yes!
  • No; otherwise those kids would never grow out of being the little spoon.
  • Definitely. I’m not going to wait until morning to be kicked in the face.
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