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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Should Teachers Be Permitted To Carry Guns In Schools?

  • Yes, teachers are the first line of defense against a non-threatening school environment.
  • Absolutely not. Students have enough firepower to protect themselves.
  • Yes, guns are incredibly effective tools for visual learners.
  • No way. If we give teachers guns, the next thing you know, they’ll expect up-to-date textbooks.
  • Of course. We can’t have our children growing up thinking any space can’t become a battlefield at a moment’s notice.
  • Fine, let’s give the NRA what it wants just this one time.
  • Absolutely, because the idea of seeing Mr. Meckler trying to handle a gun is freaking hilarious.
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