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Should Teachers Be Permitted To Carry Guns In Schools?

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Should Teachers Be Permitted To Carry Guns In Schools?

  • Yes, teachers are the first line of defense against a non-threatening school environment.
  • Absolutely not. Students have enough firepower to protect themselves.
  • Yes, guns are incredibly effective tools for visual learners.
  • No way. If we give teachers guns, the next thing you know, they’ll expect up-to-date textbooks.
  • Of course. We can’t have our children growing up thinking any space can’t become a battlefield at a moment’s notice.
  • Fine, let’s give the NRA what it wants just this one time.
  • Absolutely, because the idea of seeing Mr. Meckler trying to handle a gun is freaking hilarious.

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