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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Should Teachers Be Permitted To Carry Guns In Schools?

  • Yes, teachers are the first line of defense against a non-threatening school environment.
  • Absolutely not. Students have enough firepower to protect themselves.
  • Yes, guns are incredibly effective tools for visual learners.
  • No way. If we give teachers guns, the next thing you know, they’ll expect up-to-date textbooks.
  • Of course. We can’t have our children growing up thinking any space can’t become a battlefield at a moment’s notice.
  • Fine, let’s give the NRA what it wants just this one time.
  • Absolutely, because the idea of seeing Mr. Meckler trying to handle a gun is freaking hilarious.
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