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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Should The Drinking Age Be Lowered To 18?

  • Absolutely. Imagine how much more fun college would be if the students could drink.
  • No. The crowds at most bars make me feel old enough as it is.
  • Yes, but only in exchange for a reinstatement of the draft.
  • No. It would be tragic to miss out on the delicate dance that is asking your older cousin to buy you beer.
  • Yes, and it’s long overdue. Our prisons are too full of fraternity brothers who made one mistake.
  • No way. Changing all those signs feels like too much work.
  • Absolutely not. Teens need to learn how to legally own a gun for three years before adding alcohol to the mix.
  • Yes. Everyone calm down; it’s just poison.

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