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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Should The Drinking Age Be Lowered To 18?

  • Absolutely. Imagine how much more fun college would be if the students could drink.
  • No. The crowds at most bars make me feel old enough as it is.
  • Yes, but only in exchange for a reinstatement of the draft.
  • No. It would be tragic to miss out on the delicate dance that is asking your older cousin to buy you beer.
  • Yes, and it’s long overdue. Our prisons are too full of fraternity brothers who made one mistake.
  • No way. Changing all those signs feels like too much work.
  • Absolutely not. Teens need to learn how to legally own a gun for three years before adding alcohol to the mix.
  • Yes. Everyone calm down; it’s just poison.

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