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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Should We Allow Human Cloning?

  • Yes. Having a kid with 50 percent of my DNA is nice, but I could do better.
  • No. I don’t think human beings should be playing God, aside from modern medicine, the death penalty, genetically modified crops, the subjugation of animals, and in-vitro fertilization.
  • Yes. If we criminalize cloning, then the only people with clones will be criminals and the clones of those criminals.
  • Fine with me. I realized long ago that another me walking around wouldn’t make me any less of a self-centered asshole.
  • Okay, but only if we outlaw that bullshit where you say their name and they all say “what?” simultaneously.
  • Absolutely. We seem to be at a loss for other ways to create human life.
  • Yes, but start with only a few hundred thousand, then reevaluate.
  • Sure. Why not? God is dead.
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