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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Should We Let Immigrant Children Who Crossed The U.S. Border Stay In America?

  • No. If we need more kids, we should really be producing them domestically.
  • Yes, provided they all promise to live their lives with just a slight sense of inferiority.
  • Absolutely not. If they wanted to be Americans, they should have thought to immigrate between 1607 and 1930.
  • Of course. Then we should force them to stay after they realize the American Dream is an illusion.
  • No, unless I come across some sort of photo that may humanize them in any sort of way.
  • Only the ones who get on a bus, stretch their arms out the window, and attempt to touch their mother one last time while holding back tears.
  • Yes, but only if they’re carrying a Swede to maintain a nice racial balance.
  • No. If we show the bare minimum of compassion now, who’s to say it won’t be expected from us in the future?

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