MANSFIELD, OH—Frantically shifting his gaze between the field and play clock as the seconds wound down, local 34-year-old football fan Isaac Collins announced Sunday that the quarterback better hurry the hell up and snap the ball.
- No. If we need more kids, we should really be producing them domestically.
- Yes, provided they all promise to live their lives with just a slight sense of inferiority.
- Absolutely not. If they wanted to be Americans, they should have thought to immigrate between 1607 and 1930.
- Of course. Then we should force them to stay after they realize the American Dream is an illusion.
- No, unless I come across some sort of photo that may humanize them in any sort of way.
- Only the ones who get on a bus, stretch their arms out the window, and attempt to touch their mother one last time while holding back tears.
- Yes, but only if they’re carrying a Swede to maintain a nice racial balance.
- No. If we show the bare minimum of compassion now, who’s to say it won’t be expected from us in the future?