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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Should We Let Immigrant Children Who Crossed The U.S. Border Stay In America?

  • No. If we need more kids, we should really be producing them domestically.
  • Yes, provided they all promise to live their lives with just a slight sense of inferiority.
  • Absolutely not. If they wanted to be Americans, they should have thought to immigrate between 1607 and 1930.
  • Of course. Then we should force them to stay after they realize the American Dream is an illusion.
  • No, unless I come across some sort of photo that may humanize them in any sort of way.
  • Only the ones who get on a bus, stretch their arms out the window, and attempt to touch their mother one last time while holding back tears.
  • Yes, but only if they’re carrying a Swede to maintain a nice racial balance.
  • No. If we show the bare minimum of compassion now, who’s to say it won’t be expected from us in the future?

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