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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Should We Let Immigrant Children Who Crossed The U.S. Border Stay In America?

  • No. If we need more kids, we should really be producing them domestically.
  • Yes, provided they all promise to live their lives with just a slight sense of inferiority.
  • Absolutely not. If they wanted to be Americans, they should have thought to immigrate between 1607 and 1930.
  • Of course. Then we should force them to stay after they realize the American Dream is an illusion.
  • No, unless I come across some sort of photo that may humanize them in any sort of way.
  • Only the ones who get on a bus, stretch their arms out the window, and attempt to touch their mother one last time while holding back tears.
  • Yes, but only if they’re carrying a Swede to maintain a nice racial balance.
  • No. If we show the bare minimum of compassion now, who’s to say it won’t be expected from us in the future?
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