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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Should We Let Immigrant Children Who Crossed The U.S. Border Stay In America?

  • No. If we need more kids, we should really be producing them domestically.
  • Yes, provided they all promise to live their lives with just a slight sense of inferiority.
  • Absolutely not. If they wanted to be Americans, they should have thought to immigrate between 1607 and 1930.
  • Of course. Then we should force them to stay after they realize the American Dream is an illusion.
  • No, unless I come across some sort of photo that may humanize them in any sort of way.
  • Only the ones who get on a bus, stretch their arms out the window, and attempt to touch their mother one last time while holding back tears.
  • Yes, but only if they’re carrying a Swede to maintain a nice racial balance.
  • No. If we show the bare minimum of compassion now, who’s to say it won’t be expected from us in the future?
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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