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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Should We Raise Taxes On The Rich To Redistribute Wealth?

  • No, that goes against the oligarchic principles on which this country stands.
  • Can’t we give the nation’s wealthy a moment’s peace?
  • Absolutely not. The only thing this will do is punish success and provide a half-decent standard of living for millions of people.
  • Why fix what’s not broken for an incredibly small minority of people?
  • No. That’s what the tip jar is for.
  • Wa-hoo! Do I get to talk about tax policy now?
  • No way. Unless a majority of Americans agree on it, and research finds that rising inequality among top earners and middle and lower classes is unsustainable and likely to have major destabilizing political and economic consequences.

More from this section

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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