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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Should We Raise Taxes On The Rich To Redistribute Wealth?

  • No, that goes against the oligarchic principles on which this country stands.
  • Can’t we give the nation’s wealthy a moment’s peace?
  • Absolutely not. The only thing this will do is punish success and provide a half-decent standard of living for millions of people.
  • Why fix what’s not broken for an incredibly small minority of people?
  • No. That’s what the tip jar is for.
  • Wa-hoo! Do I get to talk about tax policy now?
  • No way. Unless a majority of Americans agree on it, and research finds that rising inequality among top earners and middle and lower classes is unsustainable and likely to have major destabilizing political and economic consequences.

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