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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Should We Tax Soda And Junk Food?

  • No. I don’t want my personal problems funding schools or roads.
  • Do whatever you want. There’s no price I wouldn’t pay for Mountain Dew Code Red.
  • Absolutely not. If the price of soda gets too high, then what will I drink? That clear stuff that doesn’t taste like anything?
  • Yes, but only for people who still stand a chance of losing weight.
  • No. Taxes will just lead to more people stashing their Doritos overseas.
  • Yes. You know the people you’re taxing don’t have the energy to fight you on this.
  • No way. I’m already way over my Ranch-Flavored Miscellaneous Foods budget.
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