CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.
- No. I don’t want my personal problems funding schools or roads.
- Do whatever you want. There’s no price I wouldn’t pay for Mountain Dew Code Red.
- Absolutely not. If the price of soda gets too high, then what will I drink? That clear stuff that doesn’t taste like anything?
- Yes, but only for people who still stand a chance of losing weight.
- No. Taxes will just lead to more people stashing their Doritos overseas.
- Yes. You know the people you’re taxing don’t have the energy to fight you on this.
- No way. I’m already way over my Ranch-Flavored Miscellaneous Foods budget.