PHILADELPHIA—In response to the Vermont senator calling upon all Democrats to come together to assure the party’s victory in the presidential election this November, thousands of Bernie Sanders supporters were reportedly left deeply aggravated Monday after he didn’t use his Democratic National Convention speech to encourage voters to act against their own self-interest.
- No. I don’t want my personal problems funding schools or roads.
- Do whatever you want. There’s no price I wouldn’t pay for Mountain Dew Code Red.
- Absolutely not. If the price of soda gets too high, then what will I drink? That clear stuff that doesn’t taste like anything?
- Yes, but only for people who still stand a chance of losing weight.
- No. Taxes will just lead to more people stashing their Doritos overseas.
- Yes. You know the people you’re taxing don’t have the energy to fight you on this.
- No way. I’m already way over my Ranch-Flavored Miscellaneous Foods budget.