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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Should We Tax Soda And Junk Food?

  • No. I don’t want my personal problems funding schools or roads.
  • Do whatever you want. There’s no price I wouldn’t pay for Mountain Dew Code Red.
  • Absolutely not. If the price of soda gets too high, then what will I drink? That clear stuff that doesn’t taste like anything?
  • Yes, but only for people who still stand a chance of losing weight.
  • No. Taxes will just lead to more people stashing their Doritos overseas.
  • Yes. You know the people you’re taxing don’t have the energy to fight you on this.
  • No way. I’m already way over my Ranch-Flavored Miscellaneous Foods budget.

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