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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Should We Tax Soda And Junk Food?

  • No. I don’t want my personal problems funding schools or roads.
  • Do whatever you want. There’s no price I wouldn’t pay for Mountain Dew Code Red.
  • Absolutely not. If the price of soda gets too high, then what will I drink? That clear stuff that doesn’t taste like anything?
  • Yes, but only for people who still stand a chance of losing weight.
  • No. Taxes will just lead to more people stashing their Doritos overseas.
  • Yes. You know the people you’re taxing don’t have the energy to fight you on this.
  • No way. I’m already way over my Ranch-Flavored Miscellaneous Foods budget.

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