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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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What Should The U.S. Do About Illegal Immigration?

  • Outlaw illegal immigration.
  • Deport those whose inspiring stories we haven’t heard yet.
  • See if they’d be open to the idea of working for very low pay.
  • Obviously, allow any immigrants into America if they’re fleeing Nazi Germany. That’s a no-brainer.
  • Learn to tolerate them, live with them, and, inevitably, fall madly in love with them.
  • On the one hand, we’re a nation of immigrants, so we should be open. But on the other, frantically and viciously defending the last dwindling threads of my demographic’s hold on power is extremely satisfying, so it’s tough.
  • Allow any immigrant into America who has the raw sex appeal and star power of Shakira.
  • Color border states an unattractive shade of olive.
  • Continue efforts to make the U.S. the least appealing country on the continent.

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