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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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What Should The U.S. Do About Illegal Immigration?

  • Outlaw illegal immigration.
  • Deport those whose inspiring stories we haven’t heard yet.
  • See if they’d be open to the idea of working for very low pay.
  • Obviously, allow any immigrants into America if they’re fleeing Nazi Germany. That’s a no-brainer.
  • Learn to tolerate them, live with them, and, inevitably, fall madly in love with them.
  • On the one hand, we’re a nation of immigrants, so we should be open. But on the other, frantically and viciously defending the last dwindling threads of my demographic’s hold on power is extremely satisfying, so it’s tough.
  • Allow any immigrant into America who has the raw sex appeal and star power of Shakira.
  • Color border states an unattractive shade of olive.
  • Continue efforts to make the U.S. the least appealing country on the continent.
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