PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing the former secretary of state’s competence and tenacity during his Democratic National Convention address Wednesday night, President Barack Obama praised Hillary Clinton as someone who would work tirelessly to defend and advance the legacy he had built, even the “truly repugnant parts.”
PHILADELPHIA—Describing the look of total disinterest on his face and noting how he kept peering down at his watch as the speech progressed, sources at the Democratic National Convention said that Virginia senator Tim Kaine clearly began tuning out partway through the boring vice presidential acceptance address Wednesday night.
PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
PHILADELPHIA—Devoting a large portion of his speech to the “pioneering, stiffy-inducing” all-female quartet, Vice President Joe Biden regaled the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night with the rousing story of the metal band Vixen breaking hard rock’s glass ceiling in the late 1980s.
PHILADELPHIA—In an emotional address Wednesday night at the Democratic National Convention, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly choked up while describing the thousands of hardworking Americans throughout the nation who are only able to afford shitty ditch weed.
PHILADELPHIA—Claiming he had been “in way deeper shit plenty of times before,” Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly busted Wednesday in the Democratic National Convention parking lot for selling bootleg “I’m With Her” T-shirts.
PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.
PHILADELPHIA—Waiting anxiously for the former president to address what was clearly on the minds of everyone in attendance, sources in the Democratic National Convention audience Tuesday night expressed hope that Bill Clinton would break the tension during his speech with a joke about how utterly awful he looks.
PHILADELPHIA—Striding energetically onto the stage in shorts and a taut tank top, a baby-faced, muscle-bound Jimmy Carter, 91, reportedly told attendees at the Democratic National Convention Thursday that the future of medicine is exceedingly bright.
PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
Deport those whose inspiring stories we haven’t heard yet.
See if they’d be open to the idea of working for very low pay.
Obviously, allow any immigrants into America if they’re fleeing Nazi Germany. That’s a no-brainer.
Learn to tolerate them, live with them, and, inevitably, fall madly in love with them.
On the one hand, we’re a nation of immigrants, so we should be open. But on the other, frantically and viciously defending the last dwindling threads of my demographic’s hold on power is extremely satisfying, so it’s tough.
Allow any immigrant into America who has the raw sex appeal and star power of Shakira.
Color border states an unattractive shade of olive.
Continue efforts to make the U.S. the least appealing country on the continent.