PHILADELPHIA—Waiting anxiously for the former president to address what was clearly on the minds of everyone in attendance, sources in the Democratic National Convention audience Tuesday night expressed hope that Bill Clinton would break the tension during his speech with a joke about how utterly awful he looks.
- Outlaw illegal immigration.
- Deport those whose inspiring stories we haven’t heard yet.
- See if they’d be open to the idea of working for very low pay.
- Obviously, allow any immigrants into America if they’re fleeing Nazi Germany. That’s a no-brainer.
- Learn to tolerate them, live with them, and, inevitably, fall madly in love with them.
- On the one hand, we’re a nation of immigrants, so we should be open. But on the other, frantically and viciously defending the last dwindling threads of my demographic’s hold on power is extremely satisfying, so it’s tough.
- Allow any immigrant into America who has the raw sex appeal and star power of Shakira.
- Color border states an unattractive shade of olive.
- Continue efforts to make the U.S. the least appealing country on the continent.