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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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What Should The U.S. Do About Illegal Immigration?

  • Outlaw illegal immigration.
  • Deport those whose inspiring stories we haven’t heard yet.
  • See if they’d be open to the idea of working for very low pay.
  • Obviously, allow any immigrants into America if they’re fleeing Nazi Germany. That’s a no-brainer.
  • Learn to tolerate them, live with them, and, inevitably, fall madly in love with them.
  • On the one hand, we’re a nation of immigrants, so we should be open. But on the other, frantically and viciously defending the last dwindling threads of my demographic’s hold on power is extremely satisfying, so it’s tough.
  • Allow any immigrant into America who has the raw sex appeal and star power of Shakira.
  • Color border states an unattractive shade of olive.
  • Continue efforts to make the U.S. the least appealing country on the continent.

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