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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Would You Let Your Son Play Football?

  • Yes. The risk of permanent injury just doesn’t outweigh the opportunity to inflict injury on others.
  • No way. There just aren’t enough long-term studies yet about the effects of repeatedly concussing your head.
  • Only if football is something that’s in his blood and you can’t take it out of him, if this whole town lives and dies by football, if football is all there is.
  • Yes, but only up until middle school or whenever I stop needing to live vicariously through my son.
  • Absolutely. How else will my son find a sense of belonging in high school as a chiseled, athletic teenager?
  • Definitely. Kids need outdoor activity and bonding with friends, and I can’t think of anything else that does that but football.
  • Wait, we can say no to our children?

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