The Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team reports on whether the nation's waitresses are just being friendly.
- Yes. The risk of permanent injury just doesn’t outweigh the opportunity to inflict injury on others.
- No way. There just aren’t enough long-term studies yet about the effects of repeatedly concussing your head.
- Only if football is something that’s in his blood and you can’t take it out of him, if this whole town lives and dies by football, if football is all there is.
- Yes, but only up until middle school or whenever I stop needing to live vicariously through my son.
- Absolutely. How else will my son find a sense of belonging in high school as a chiseled, athletic teenager?
- Definitely. Kids need outdoor activity and bonding with friends, and I can’t think of anything else that does that but football.
- Wait, we can say no to our children?