adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Would You Let Your Son Play Football?

  • Yes. The risk of permanent injury just doesn’t outweigh the opportunity to inflict injury on others.
  • No way. There just aren’t enough long-term studies yet about the effects of repeatedly concussing your head.
  • Only if football is something that’s in his blood and you can’t take it out of him, if this whole town lives and dies by football, if football is all there is.
  • Yes, but only up until middle school or whenever I stop needing to live vicariously through my son.
  • Absolutely. How else will my son find a sense of belonging in high school as a chiseled, athletic teenager?
  • Definitely. Kids need outdoor activity and bonding with friends, and I can’t think of anything else that does that but football.
  • Wait, we can say no to our children?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close