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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Would You Live With Your Significant Other Before Marriage?

  • Absolutely. It's every little girl's dream to live with someone for years until she figures marriage wouldn't be much different.
  • Like some awful Presbyterian? No way.
  • Yes. Living together gives couples more face-to-face time during the day for the women to hint at wanting a proposal.
  • Only if one person’s apartment is a lot nicer than the other one’s.
  • No. It's better to string them along in separate apartments for years and years beforehand.
  • Of course; what better way to find out how consistently she’ll have dinner waiting?
  • Are there any tax benefits?
  • Yes, but only for the sake of the kids.
  • God, if I could only call someone my significant other I would be so, so happy.

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