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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Would You Live With Your Significant Other Before Marriage?

  • Absolutely. It's every little girl's dream to live with someone for years until she figures marriage wouldn't be much different.
  • Like some awful Presbyterian? No way.
  • Yes. Living together gives couples more face-to-face time during the day for the women to hint at wanting a proposal.
  • Only if one person’s apartment is a lot nicer than the other one’s.
  • No. It's better to string them along in separate apartments for years and years beforehand.
  • Of course; what better way to find out how consistently she’ll have dinner waiting?
  • Are there any tax benefits?
  • Yes, but only for the sake of the kids.
  • God, if I could only call someone my significant other I would be so, so happy.

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