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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Would You Use A Self-Driving Car?

  • Yes; I should’ve been taken off the road years ago.
  • No, I just don’t trust computers for anything beyond writing emails, paying bills, giving directions, doing taxes, maintaining health records, performing surgery, flying airplanes, and controlling nuclear missiles.
  • Only if I can sit in the driver’s seat and pretend I’m steering with my feet while reading a newspaper.
  • No, thanks. My chauffeur, Jackson, is doing just fine.
  • Yes. I’ve been looking for one more way not to take responsibility for my life.
  • No way. I didn’t spend five years gaining the confidence to merge for nothing.
  • Sure; I’ve always wanted to adjust the radio’s tuning and volume knobs at the same time.
  • No. Driving is so monotonous without the thrill of human error.
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