adBlockCheck

Popular News

PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama

WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of protecting the nation’s global image, consultants from the public relations firm of Hill & Knowlton have advised the United States to begin distancing itself from the state of Alabama as soon as possible, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Doomed Rabbit To Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility

BEDFORD, MA—According to sources within the Bennett household, a short-haired and utterly doomed rabbit named Oreo was recently purchased in order to teach the family’s 8-year-old son, Toby, about patience and responsibility. The ill-fated, 6-...

Cockroach King Concerned Over Recent Rise Of Bedbugs

GRAND IMPERIAL THRONE ROOM, CASTLE ROACH—His Royal Highness, King Leopold Blattodea IV, undisputed lord and ruler of the cockroaches, expressed dismay and concern Monday that the recent rise in bedbug populations could threaten his sovereignty over the realm of human squalor.

Indifferent Jazz Just Ask NBA To Draft Them A Forward

SALT LAKE CITY—Offering incredibly vague and at times conflicting attributes for the type of player they’re looking to add to their roster, officials from the Utah Jazz reportedly asked the NBA league office Thursday to select a forward for th...
End Of Section
  • More News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it. “I get that you’re cramped and miserable, but if you just shut the hell up and sit there for a few goddamn hours, you’ll soon be at your destination,” said CEO Barry L. Biffle, urging passengers to suck it up and quit whining so the flight could get on its merry fucking way. “Who gives a shit if you have no leg room and the seats are stiff? Soon you’ll be 800 miles from where you are now, and it’ll be like the last two hours of your life never even fucking happened. You’re the ones who wanted to save $150, so you’re welcome, assholes.” Biffle added that he didn’t want to hear any bitching and moaning about wanting in-flight food options, because everyone can just stuff their stupid faces when they land.

More from this section

Doomed Rabbit To Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility

BEDFORD, MA—According to sources within the Bennett household, a short-haired and utterly doomed rabbit named Oreo was recently purchased in order to teach the family’s 8-year-old son, Toby, about patience and responsibility. The ill-fated, 6-...

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close