Popular News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Hazing Incident Ends In Tragic Joining Of Fraternity

ASHLAND, OH—-A night of forced binge drinking and other dangerous initiation rituals ended in horrible tragedy Tuesday when pledge member Steven Paulson, 18, was accepted into Ashland University's Delta Tau Theta fraternity.

Ethical Hunter Throws Duck He Shot Back Into Sky

PEPIN, WI—Taking care to restore the bird to its natural habitat in a timely manner, ethical hunter Rick Streeter threw a mallard duck back into the sky Monday shortly after shooting it, sources confirmed.

Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8

CHICAGO—According to the review, the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless "leaves the listener wanting more."
End Of Section
  • More News

It Would Really Help Me Out If You Guys Could Just Give Up Your Health Insurance This One Time

Hey there, it’s your ol’ pal, Mitch. How’ve you been? Great, great. Anyways, I got a small favor to ask. You see, I’ve got this problem that’s been bothering me for a while and I was kind of hoping you could give me a hand with it. Basically, it would really, really help me out right now if you could just give up your health insurance this one time.

I know, I know, you’ve got other things to deal with right now. I get it. But I’m kind of in a pinch at the moment and if you just want to go ahead and get rid of your health coverage, as well as any coverage for your spouse and children, I’d greatly appreciate it. Seriously, it would mean so much to me if you did that.

Honestly, it would be pretty quick and easy. All you have to do is take a minute or two and dump whatever insurance you’ve got: HMO, PPO, prescription drug coverage, opioid treatment, mental health services, hospice care, everything. Oh, and your maternity leave. I’m definitely gonna need that, too. If I’m being honest, the sooner you could eliminate those things, the better it would be for me.

And let me make it clear: this is all I’m asking. You drop your access to affordable healthcare just this once and I swear I won’t bother you again. That’s it. Promise.


Believe me, I do not want to be inconveniencing you like this. You think I like coming here, hat in hand, urging you to cast aside your means of coping with medical expenses? I don’t. Honestly, I feel like a fool having to ask you to give up the policies that provide with you cost-free preventative care and ensure your family doesn’t succumb to financial ruin in the event of a health crisis, but truth be told, I’m in a tight spot here. A real tight spot. So what do you say? Could you find it in your heart to do this one little thing for ol’ Mitchy Boy?

Hey, you know I’ve been there for you in the past. Remember that infrastructure bill a couple years ago? Or what about those tax-cut extensions back in 2010? Those were pretty good times, right? So what do you say you just do me this solid and get rid of whatever policy you and your family have? Please? I’d owe you one.

Still no?

Oh, so you’d rather hold onto your precious insurance than help your friend Mitch out of a jam? Jesus Christ, what’s with you? I ask you to do one little thing for me and this is what I get? Fine. Have it your way. You know what, keep your stupid health insurance—I’ll just go and redirect an increasing share of your income to multinational corporations and the nation’s wealthiest citizens and see how you like that!

Fucking assholes.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.