Welcome To The Onion's Redesigned Online Experience
The Onion's world-renowned, industry-leading brand of journalism has long stood as the pinnacle of human achievement. So as we contemplated how to update our website, we were confronted with a seemingly impossible question: How can one improve upon perfection?
For the past two years, the team of engineers shackled at The Onion's Laogai-based technology facility in Guangzhou have been toiling around the clock to answer that precise question. In the end, we have developed a website that flawlessly complements our 250-year tradition of exemplary and unmatched reporting. Today, we are finally ready to unveil our new site to you, our loyal and subservient readers.
Over Three Decades In The Making
Since TheOnion.com first debuted on July 19th, 1979—then used primarily by the U.S. Department of Defense to communicate classified military information—all the way through its commercial launch in 1996 in conjunction with our close corporate partners BALCO and Enron, our website has continuously evolved and blazed new technological trails.
Easier Access To The News You Need
The primary goal of The Onion’s redesign is to make our world-class journalism more accessible to the masses. With that in mind, we have implemented a new "infinite scroll" feature, which allows users to simply move down to the bottom of the page in order to load a new article.
Every Section Right At Your Side
With The Onion's intuitive new sidebar menu, users can jump to different sections with greater ease than ever.
Simply open the sidebar located in the upper-left corner of the page and shriek the name of any section as loud as you possibly can. Our speech-recognition technology will analyze your scream and instantaneously take you to pages offering the latest in politics, entertainment, science, sports, and more.
Web users are universally dimwitted, incompetent, and effectively brainless—not to mention often physically repulsive—and for that reason, the newly designed website will feature curated content from The Onion’s award-winning staff of editors.
The homepage contains a dedicated section with recommended articles for readers like you who are undoubtedly too dumb to find such things on your own. Moreover, the curated content will update every few hours in order to more efficiently and effectively herd all of you like the hapless, thick-skulled cattle you are.
A New Way To Experience Video
The Onion has completely redefined the online video experience. Our new state-of-the-art video page will be sleek, seamlessly integrated, and will exclusively feature footage from a live webcam positioned in downtown La Porte, Indiana.
Additional Features of The Onion's New Website:
Unlimited ClicksThe Onion’s site has no cap or limitations on the number of clicks per reader each month.
Advertiser Customization OptionsTheOnion.com is incredibly customizable, with our advertisers now able to cater the user experience in any way they please. The Onion's many corporate partners are free to adjust our homepage to feature the content that is of most interest to them, and are capable of altering the website's color scheme, font, and navigation bar, as well as editing content directly on the site. All advertisers will also have full access to the website's back end, and are indeed encouraged to make as many changes as they see fit.
Optimization For The Motorola RAZRThe Onion's website is specifically designed to be enjoyed on Motorola’s popular 2004 edition of the RAZR cell phone. The site's display and interactive features are optimized for the RAZR’s 2.2-inch screen, keypad, and 13.5-megabyte memory. The new website is not recommended for use with any other mobile or tablet device, and any device not capable of fully supporting our redesign should be considered obsolete and be promptly discarded. The Onion recommends tossing such items either from the roof of a skyscraper or into the nearest lake.
Optional Hard Copy FormatFor readers who wish to get their news in the more traditional form of a hard-copy newspaper, The Onion's website now offers a "conventional newspaper" view. Just connect your phone or computer to any industrial-sized printing press loaded with full rolls of newsprint paper and ink, and in no time you will have several hundred thousand physical copies of The Onion's latest issue to enjoy.
No Plate TectonicsAbsolutely no content on The Onion's new website will ever advance the preposterous notion of tectonic plates or even mention the phrase "plate tectonics." Ever. That's our guarantee to you.
The New Standard
The Onion has long been the standard-bearer for all journalism, but with our new redesign, we are now also the standard-bearer for the internet itself. Indeed, with this new design, not only will users continue to have absolutely no reason to visit other websites—news or otherwise—but they will also have no further need for friends, family, or human interaction of any kind. So feel free to explore our site, try out its many new features, and enjoy the new home of America's Finest News Source.
User feedback on The Onion’s new website is strictly prohibited.