8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights
NORFOLK, VA—Gun owners nationwide are applauding the patriotic, though accidental, exercise of Second Amendment rights by 8-year-old Timothy Cummings Tuesday.
Celebrating 13 years since the release of "Twister"
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Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Co-Workers
SKOKIE, IL—Toshiro Tenchumaru, a 34-year-old ninja and longtime employee at Azuma Copier Corporation in Skokie, stealthily took the lives of 12 co-workers Monday after suffering ...
Crazy Japanese Punk Girl Delights Entire Dorm Floor
MOORHEAD, MN—Foreign student Misako Takashima has fostered floor-wide frienship by putting on impromptu puppet shows.
I'm Prepared To Give My Life For This Or Any Country
As a true patriot, I would gladly die in battle defending my homeland. I love my country more than my own life. But I would ...
Japanese Leaders Say Radioactive Waste May Have Contributed To Creation Of Giant Monsters
TOKYO—Japanese prime minister Ryutaro Hashimoto announced Tuesday that radioactive waste recently discovered in Japan's Nihon prefecture may have contributed to the development of kaiju—translated as ...
Media Manipulations, Falsehoods, And The Greater Truth
Recently, the most downloaded episode of This American Life—featuring Mike Daisey's monologue The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Steve Jobs—and a viral video about Africanchild ...
Special Olympics Investigated For Use Of Performance-Enhancing Hugs
WASHINGTON, DC—Three months after the Special Olympics World Winter Games in Nagano, Japan, the International Special Olympics Committee has begun to investigate charges that athletes ...
Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy
SACRAMENTO, CA—Political observers are struggling to understand exactly how, on Oct. 7, Arnold Schwarzenegger, an Austrian-born, movie-star muscleman with no political experience, was elected to ...
Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms
NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB ...
U.S. Trendsetters Go On Strike
NEW YORK—The country's chillest and illest want recognition for what you're saying, wearing, and doing.
Report: U.S. Students Lead World In TV Jingle Recall
WASHINGTON, DC—Welcome news for America's much-maligned educational system arrived Monday, when a Department of Education study revealed that U.S. students rank first in the world ...
Rich Guy Wins Yacht Race
NEWPORT, RI–Some rich guy came in first Monday in that big, famous yacht race held every year at the Newport Yacht Club, a big, fancy ...
Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad
AMSTERDAM—American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting ...
Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them
WASHINGTON, DC—After decades of antagonism between the two global powers, the U.S. has officially severed relations with Them, Bush administration officials announced Tuesday.
U.S. Techno-Industrial Base Eroding Due To Foreign Competition
WASHINGTON, DC—With first-quarter Club Rotation Index figures the lowest in seven years, and imports outselling domestic 12-inches more than two-to-one, economic observers throughout the U.S. ...
What In The Heck's A Barack Obama?
Just the other day, I was watching the TV, and I'll be damned if everyone didn't start talking 'bout this new thing called a "Barack ...
Bush Sends Troops To West Nile
WASHINGTON, DC—Vowing to "exact justice for the taking of innocent American lives," a determined and defiant President Bush deployed more than 14,000 ground troops to ...
Japanese Exchange Student Taken To Japanese Restaurant
BETTENDORF, IA—Takashi Miyazawa, 16, an exchange student from Nagoya spending six months in Bettendorf, was given the opportunity to experience authentic Japanese cuisine Monday, when ...
God Promises 'Big Surprises' In Store For Hurricane Season
HOLLYWOOD, FL—The 2002 hurricane season will be packed with "big surprises, big windspeeds, and a big, big finish," God announced Monday at a press conference ...
Bottom Of Barrel Dangerously Overscraped, Experts Warn
WASHINGTON, DC—The bottom of the collective national barrel, already badly strained from massive content depletion in recent years, is now in "severe danger" as a ...
