FBI Reveals Maria Butina Traded Sex In Exchange For All 62,984,828 Votes Trump Received In 2016

WASHINGTON—Saying that their investigation indicated her involvement in election interference went deeper than previously believed, the FBI revealed Thursday that Russian agent Maria Butina traded sex in exchange for all 62,984,828 votes Donald Trump received for president in 2016. “Our inquiry into Ms. Butina…

Mueller Reveals Russia Investigation Just Elaborate Sting To Nail Clinton Child Sex-Slavery Ring

WASHINGTON—Lauding President Trump for his invaluable role in the operation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller informed the public Wednesday that his so-called Russia investigation was in fact merely a cover for an elaborate sting to bring down the Clinton family’s child sex-slavery ring. “The Justice Department has…

Distraught Mueller Burns Every Piece Of Evidence In Case After Hearing Trump’s Critique Of U.S. Intelligence Community

WASHINGTON—Tossing a lit match on the assemblage of kerosene-doused case files, transcripts, and seized hard drives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller burned every piece of evidence in his investigation into 2016 election interference Tuesday after hearing President Trump’s pointed critique of the U.S. intelligence…

Election Experts Warn Maine’s Voting System Leads To Greater Risk Of Getting Finger Pinched By Live Lobster Stuffed Into Ballot Box

AUGUSTA, ME—Advising caution as residents go to the state’s gubernatorial and congressional primaries Tuesday, election experts warned that Maine’s new voting system may lead to a greater risk of citizens getting their finger pinched by a live lobster stuffed into the ballot box. “These rules endanger voters by…

DNC Files Lawsuit Alleging Nation Should Never, Ever Stop Focusing On 2016 Election

WASHINGTON—Demanding greater accountability for the race’s outcome, the Democratic National Committee reportedly filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit Friday alleging that the nation should never, ever stop focusing on the 2016 presidential election. “Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should…

President’s Lawyers Move To Discredit Michael Cohen By Pointing Out History Of Committing Crimes For Trump

WASHINGTON—Claiming that such an obviously corrupt and dishonest individual could not be trusted to provide accurate testimony, the president’s lawyers reportedly moved to discredit Michael Cohen Thursday by pointing out his long history of committing crimes for Donald Trump. “We’re talking about a man who has…

New Don Blankenship Campaign Ad Touts Jobs Created In Wake Of Upper Big Branch Mining Disaster

RAWL, WV—Extolling the variety of ways his past actions continue to benefit the hard-working people of West Virginia, a new campaign ad from Senate hopeful Don Blankenship aired Friday touting the multitude of new jobs created in the wake of the Upper Big Branch Mine disaster. “I’m Don Blankenship, and I’m proud to…