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God Pissed Solar Eclipse Not Visible From Heaven

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Angered to be missing out on the spectacular celestial phenomenon, God, Our Lord and Father, was reportedly pissed Monday that the solar eclipse would not be visible from Heaven.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru

‘He’ll Do Anything The Rishi Tells Him,’ Say Concerned Heavenly Sources

NEWS
THE HEAVENS—Increasingly worried by the changes they have noticed in the supreme deity’s behavior, heavenly sources expressed concern Thursday that God, Our Holy Father, was falling under the influ...

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confi...

God Pissed After Learning Cost To Replace Earth’s Core

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Grumbling aloud as He looked in disbelief at the quote He received from a contractor, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly became pissed Monday after learning how much it would...

God Struggling To Remember How To Make Geodes

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Acknowledging He might be a bit rusty after so many eons had passed, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Tuesday that He was having trouble remembering how to make geodes.

God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Lamenting that the mass extinction event wiped out the reptiles too soon, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Monday that He has recently been getting a strong desire to bring ...

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fuck...

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