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Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic

NEWS IN BRIEF
CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in the upper-right-hand ...

God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming a...

Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entir...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 2, 2016

HOROSCOPE
ARIES: You’ll be punished for playing God this week, which isn’t surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

SPORTS NEWS
INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divin...

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He...

God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And...

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