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Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic

NEWS IN BRIEF
CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in the upper-right-hand ...

God Rewinds Time To Watch Man Fall Off Trampoline Again

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Saying He just had to see the guy faceplant one more time, the Lord our God, Almighty Creator of the Universe, reportedly rewound time Monday to watch an Indiana man fall off a trampoli...

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

NEWS
VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce t...

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

SPORTS NEWS IN BRIEF
RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympi...

God Loses Tip Of Finger In Black Hole Accident

NEWS IN BRIEF
MESSIER 74 GALAXY—Recoiling in pain after the gravitational vortex tore off a chunk of flesh and bone down to the first knuckle, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly lost the tip of His ri...

God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming a...

Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entir...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 2, 2016

HOROSCOPE
ARIES: You’ll be punished for playing God this week, which isn’t surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him.

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