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Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic

NEWS IN BRIEF
CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in the upper-right-hand ...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 2, 2016

HOROSCOPE
ARIES: You’ll be punished for playing God this week, which isn’t surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

SPORTS NEWS
INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divin...

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He...

God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And...

God Realizes He Forgot To Put Souls In Humans

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—While pacing across His Eternal Kingdom on Friday, the Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, suddenly realized He had forgotten to provide human beings wit...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

NEWS IN BRIEF
OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overc...

God Shoots Himself While Cleaning Gun

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Calling it a careless mistake that was thankfully less serious than it could have been, the Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, admitted Tuesday that He accidentally shot Himself...

God: ‘Fuck Russell Wilson’

SPORTS NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Following the game-ending interception against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX, God Almighty, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Monday that He &ldqu...

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