Showing 1 to 20 of 372 Total Results

Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic

NEWS IN BRIEF
CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in the upper-right-hand ...

God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And...

God Realizes He Forgot To Put Souls In Humans

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—While pacing across His Eternal Kingdom on Friday, the Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, suddenly realized He had forgotten to provide human beings wit...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

NEWS IN BRIEF
OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overc...

God Shoots Himself While Cleaning Gun

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Calling it a careless mistake that was thankfully less serious than it could have been, the Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, admitted Tuesday that He accidentally shot Himself...

God: ‘Fuck Russell Wilson’

SPORTS NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Following the game-ending interception against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX, God Almighty, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Monday that He &ldqu...

Bill Belichick Credits Victory To His God

SPORTS NEWS IN BRIEF
GLENDALE, AZ—After defeating the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 Sunday to win his fourth Super Bowl title, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick took a moment to credit the landmark victory ...

Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

NEWS
THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting...

God Unable To Remember What Year Humanity Goes Extinct

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Saying that He definitely knew the event was scheduled for some point within the vast expanse of time, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Wednesday that He was unable to remembe...