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Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hop...

Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart

OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Our Holy Savior, reportedly entered the heart of De...


Donnie the cat had to be put to sleep Friday because, Jesus Christ, who has three grand for bladder stone removal?

Jesus, This Week

WASHINGTON—Calling the last four days of American life just...I mean, talk about a goddamned punch in the gut, citizens across the nation confirmed today that, Jesus, this week. This fucking ...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 6, 2011

Taurus: It's true you're learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you'll have to ask yourself what you really know about this "Jesus Christ."

You Know, That Show

CBS, Maybe Like 9-ish p.m. EDT/Somewhere around 8 p.m. CDT Oh, jeez, it's got that mustache-guy who was in that other show from a long time ago. Um, it's kind of a new show, but not, like, that n...

Your Horoscopes

Taurus: The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.

Wheel Of Fortune

NBC 9 p.m. p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Jesus Christ, you stupid bitch, "Star Trek," not "Star Tree."

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