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Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic

NEWS IN BRIEF
CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in the upper-right-hand ...

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confi...

God Pissed After Learning Cost To Replace Earth’s Core

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Grumbling aloud as He looked in disbelief at the quote He received from a contractor, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly became pissed Monday after learning how much it would...

God Struggling To Remember How To Make Geodes

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Acknowledging He might be a bit rusty after so many eons had passed, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Tuesday that He was having trouble remembering how to make geodes.

God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Lamenting that the mass extinction event wiped out the reptiles too soon, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Monday that He has recently been getting a strong desire to bring ...

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fuck...

God Rewinds Time To Watch Man Fall Off Trampoline Again

NEWS IN BRIEF
THE HEAVENS—Saying He just had to see the guy faceplant one more time, the Lord our God, Almighty Creator of the Universe, reportedly rewound time Monday to watch an Indiana man fall off a trampoli...

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