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Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic

NEWS IN BRIEF
CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in the upper-right-hand ...

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

SPORTS NEWS IN BRIEF
DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thurs...

Report: Holy Shit, There Still 50 Minutes Left In Movie

NEWS IN BRIEF
EDGEMONT, PA—Expressing shock that the film he was watching somehow did not yet seem to be reaching its conclusion, area man Tyler Smith, 33, reported Tuesday that, holy shit, there are somehow sti...

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

NEWS IN BRIEF
MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had ...

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

NEWS IN BRIEF
JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

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