New Workplace Diversity Initiative Kills One White Employee Every Hour On The Hour Until More Minority Candidates Hired

TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an effort to foster a more inclusive workplace, Jetsam Marketing Solutions announced Wednesday a new plan to implement diversity by conducting hourly regimented killings of white employees and hiring a more equitable percentage of minority candidates in their stead. “Until our staffing goals are…

Negative Review Of ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ Peppered With Critic Assuring Readers He Still Totally Supports Diversity

OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his…

‘Diversity Was The Real Winner Last Night,’ Report Hundreds Of Dumbasses Whose Very Existence Insults The Name Of Journalism

LOS ANGELES—Gushing that yesterday’s Oscars had changed the face of Hollywood forever, hundreds of total fucking dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism reported Monday that “diversity was the real winner last night.” “On a night traditionally filled with glitz and glam, it was race and gender…

‘This Is The Golden Age Of Television,’ Claim Executives Who Have Not Yet Made Show About Robotic Wizards

LOS ANGELES—Praising the expansive slate of high-quality fantasies, comedies, and period dramas currently in production while negligently overlooking a gaping hole in the entertainment landscape, cable and network executives reportedly continued to claim this week that we are living in a golden age of television…