911

  • Ten Years Later: A Look Back On The World Since 9/11

    ISSUE 47•37 | 09.11.11 | Slideshow

    On Sunday, September 11, Americans will commemorate the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks that ended nearly 3,000 lives. As part of this remembrance, The Onion looks back at the 12 most important stories that happened in the wake of 9/11. more»

  • 9/11 Memorial Curators Decide Not To Display Swastika Formed By Twisted Girders Found At Ground Zero

    ISSUE 47•36 | 09.09.11 | News in Brief

    NEW YORK—Despite the surprising coincidence of finding a perfectly formed swastika amidst the broken girders of the Twin Towers, 9/11 memorial curators have opted not to display the symbol, choosing instead to leave it in the storage facility where ... more»

  • Nation Would Rather Think About 9/11 Than Anything From Subsequent 10 Years

    ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•36 | 09.07.11 | News in Brief

    NEW YORK—As media coverage of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 ramps up this week, citizens across the United States collectively realized they would rather think about the terrorist attacks of 2001 than about anything else that has transpired in the su... more»

  • Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial

    ISSUE 47•32 | 08.09.11 | News in Brief

    NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 by sponsoring every single cobblestone at the World Trade Cent... more»

  • Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial

    ISSUE 46•36 | 09.07.10 | News

    UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday. more»

  • Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims

    ISSUE 46•35 | 08.30.10 | News

    SALINA, KS—Local man Scott Gentries told reporters Wednesday that his deliberately limited grasp of Islamic history and culture was still more than sufficient to shape his views of the entire Muslim world. more»

  • Last Time Sources Checked This Still America

    ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 46•22 | 06.05.10 | News

    WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain America, like it or not. more»

  • Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War

    ISSUE 46•05 | 02.01.10 | News

    THE OREGON WILDERNESS—"I think World War II was justified, and I got behind the first Gulf War [in 1990]," said the bird, who has served as the national symbol of the United States since 1782. "But the recent war in Iraq, with its shifting rationale and poor planning, was clearly a huge mistake." more»

  • U.S. Finally Gets Around To Prosecuting Mastermind Behind 9/11

    ISSUE 45•50 | 12.08.09 | News

    WASHINGTON—Attorney General Eric Holder said that although the years since the brazen attacks had been painful ones that forced all Americans to rethink their place in a complex and terrifying new world, people were also just insanely busy. more»

  • Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate

    ISSUE 45•37 | 09.10.09 | Newsroom

    Americans say attending a 9/11 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong. more»

  • Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date

    ISSUE 45•02 | 01.06.09 | News

    WASHINGTON—According to the Department of Homeland Security, the U.S. could soon find itself in a "very real" 5/25 scenario, as well as a potential 3/7 situation. more»

  • Nation Secretly Hoping 9/11 Becomes A Day Off Soon

    ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | News in Brief

    WASHINGTON—After spending another anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attacks at work, many across the country have begun to secretly hope... more»

  • Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11

    ISSUE 43•08 | 02.21.07 | News

    NEW YORK—Supporters of the former mayor praised Giuliani for his "early and unwavering commitment" to 9/11 more»

  • 9/11 Families Upset Over New Remains

    ISSUE 42•42 | 10.24.06 | American Voices

    Families of the victims of 9/11 are angry as new remains—including wallets, clothing, and bones—were discovered at Ground Zero. What do... more»

  • What Is Sexy In The Wake Of Sept. 11?

    ISSUE 37•46 | 12.19.01 | News

    NEW YORK—On Sept. 11, the world changed. The tragic events of that fateful day have had a profound impact on American society, altering—as documented in countless magazines and newspapers—everything from our our travel habits to our tastes in music to our gourmet-cheese preferences. But three months later, one vital question still remains unanswered: What is sexy in the wake of Sept. 11? more»

  • All Proceeds No Longer Going To Charity

    ISSUE 37•44 | 12.05.01 | News in Brief

    NEW YORK— Nearly three months after the Sept. 11 disaster, traditional capitalism is reasserting itself, as profits are once again being kept by the corporations earning them. "No portion of each sale of this product will go toward the WTC Police Disaster Relief Fund," reads a sticker on the cover of A Very Sony Christmas, an all-star compilation CD released Tuesday. A similar notice on packages of Fruit Of The Loom men's cotton briefs reads, "All proceeds will go directly into the fourth-quarter earnings of Fruit Of The Loom, Ltd." more»

  • America Is Ready To Laugh At Me Again

    ISSUE 37•44 | 12.05.01 | Commentary

    In my short life, I've endured more than my share of mockery. I've been husky for the entirety of my 11 years on this planet, a circumstance that has inspired others to make fun of me at every turn. I've been called, among other things, Fatso, Fatpants, Fatboy, Fatty Fatty Two-By-Four, Pig, Piggy, Oinker, King Chunk, El Tubbo, and, of course, as one would expect of a heavy-set person with my name, Patty Fatty. more»

  • Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s

    ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

    MIDLAND, TX—Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing. more»

  • Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad

    ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

    NEW YORK—Nearly two weeks after the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, the makers of Dinty Moore beef stew finally weighed in on the tragedy Monday with a full-page ad in USA Today. "We at Dinty Moore extend our deepest sympathies to all who have been affected by the terrible events of Sept. 11, 2001," read the ad, which pictured a can of Dinty Moore beef stew at the bottom of the page. "The entire Dinty Moore family is outraged by this heinous crime and stands firmly behind our leaders." Dinty Moore joins Knoche Heating & Cooling and Tri-State Jacuzzi in condemning terrorism. more»

  • Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete

    ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

    AUSTIN, TX—According to Generation X sources, the recent attack on America may have rendered cynicism and irony permanently obsolete. "Remember the day after the attack, when all the senators were singing 'God Bless America,' arm-in-arm?" asked Dave Holt, 29. "Normally, I'd make some sarcastic wisecrack about something like that. But this time, I was deeply moved." Added Holt: "This earnestness can't last forever. Can it?" more»

  • President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's Ballad Singers

    ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

    WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. "To America's recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering," Bush said. "The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled 'One For All.'" Reports that the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from Diane Warren's home could not be confirmed as of press time. more»

  • Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone

    ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Brief

    ROYAL OAK, MI—Eddie Bahri, 8, a Lincoln Elementary School third-grader of Iraqi descent, tearfully denied accusations during morning recess Tuesday that he was a terrorist who killed a bunch of people. "I did not kill anybody," Bahri told classmate Douglas Allenby. "And my dad didn't, either, okay?" Also implicated in the Sept. 11 attacks was 9-year-old Rajesh Soonachian, a Lincoln Elementary fourth-grader of Indian descent. more»

  • We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage vs. We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage

    ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | Point/Counterpoint

    On Sept.11, 2001, America was hit by an unprecedented attack on its shores. The devastation and loss of life is incalculable. It is clear to me, as it should be to all Americans, what our nation must do: Retaliate with blind, violent rage, striking back with a fury and vengeance the likes of which modern man has never seen. more»

  • What Now?

    ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | American Voices

    Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be done? more»

  • Hugging Up 76,000 Percent

    ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News in Photos

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

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